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Primary Focus Page 3
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“So … what should I have done? As your Guide, I should have stayed with you. I should have found ways to help you cope with what was going on. Then when I discovered someone who was another possible sentinel, I should have reported to you and told you about her and I told you my concerns. We should have talked about how to deal with this, how you as a sentinel were feeling about another sentinel in your territory.
“What I shouldn’t have done is offer my services to help her. Now that helps Blair the anthropologist, as I might learn more about sentinels, but, you see, anything that comes in the way of my Primary Focus, is suspect. YOU are everything, man. It sounds weird, but it’s true.” He choked on a sob. “Oh, damn, why didn’t I get this before? I figured it out when she showed up in my office early that morning. I remember her being there, I remember her Guide showing up. He was acting the part, even if he didn’t have Burton’s theories to rely on. He was doing it. He knew he had to protect her — even from me. Especially from me.”
“Did he—?” Ellison’s stare was hard to take, even in the dimming light of the jungle … hospital room.
“Hurt me? I don’t know. I guess so. I don’t remember right now. I think they were both there. But do you get what I’m saying, Jim? Do you understand what I’ve done? I’ve let other things get in the way of my role. I’ve let life’s distractions, society’s expectations, hell — my expectations — come between me and what I needed to do in my life. My job. Which is to be your Guide as my first and Primary Focus. We’re friends — super. I can’t tell you how much your friendship means to me. But that can’t stop me from doing my job, my Primary Focus. I have Burton’s theories, my research, and maybe a position at the university — super. But that can’t stop me from doing my job, my Primary Focus. I needed to make a choice, man. I sat in my office, waiting for you to show up, all ready to say this to you, and Alex comes instead. I thought she was going to kill me, and I’d never get a second chance at this, never have a chance to tell you how I fucked it all up, and beg you to let me try again. I failed you, Jim. I let you get out of control. I let you go through all that crap alone, because I was so busy getting my feelings hurt as your friend and being an anthropologist.
“We’ve got to start over. Wipe the slate. Build this relationship right. I made a choice, man, sitting in my office that night, that if you’d let me, I’d be your Guide, your partner. FIRST. My best concentration. My first consideration. My Primary Focus in my life. Not the leftovers — not if I have time from the university to go with you on stakeout, if I don’t have a date, if I’m not working on a paper, if, if.— First. You need to come first.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t. You had your own choices to make, right? Here in Peru last time? You had your own choices, right?”
Ellison nodded.
“Well, I’m here now and I’m making my choices. If you’ll have me, I want to try it. To get it right this time.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Ellison said, the words grating from his throat. “I should have—”
“Yeah, there were probably things you should have done, but Jim, you were working on instinct, without a guide to help. You did the best you could. You were reacting to outside stimuli that you weren’t prepared for. Territorial stuff. Protect the tribe.”
“Why weren’t you included in my tribe? You always were before. How could I have excluded you?”
“The last week it was because I smelled of her. You could sense her on me. You could sense the betrayal of your guide being contaminated by another sentinel.”
“Before that? What about before she came on the scene? I was already shutting you out.”
“Were you? She’s been in Cascade for about two months. Have things been normal in the last two months? Well, what passes as normal for us? You’ve been tense, you’ve felt abandoned and closed yourself off. So what have I been doing in the last few months? I’ve been preoccupied by other stuff, including writing a paper that I wouldn’t share with you. I abandoned you when you needed someone there.”
“No,” Ellison said, shaking his head. “Not always. No, Chief, that’s not right.”
“‘Not always’ is not enough. I need you to be my Primary Focus or I need to resign.”
“I can’t ask you to do that, to give your life away.”
“I’m offering it.”
“To throw away everything you’ve worked on up to now?”
“So I give away ten cents to be handed a million dollars. I’m the one who’s richer for it. Besides, I’m not saying I’m throwing it away. But we talk about it, and it isn’t my Primary Focus.” Blair started coughing, his throat dry from talking, and Jim reached over and retrieved the juice, absently handing it to him. “Thanks.”
There was silence for a few minutes, and Blair drifted, his hand resting on Ellison’s bare wrist.
“I’m so sorry,” Ellison whispered.
“I know. I’ve forgiven you, have you forgiven me?”
“Yes.”
“Then we try again?”
“Oh, God. Yes.”
“Good. ‘Cause I’m falling asleep here and I didn’t want to pass out on you before we settled this.”
Jim bent low and drew him back into the secure embrace and he relaxed into it as he had never been able to before. The universe was righting itself. His Sentinel was there, doing what he was supposed to do, taking care of him at the moment. A Sentinel without a Guide was crippled, so he had to get better.
Ellison helped him lie down. “I have to go soon. Simon’s coming to take me back to the loft to sleep, then I’ll be right back.”
“I know. You have your job. I have mine.” He smiled as the blanket was pulled over his shoulders, tucked around him carefully, lovingly.
The universe had righted itself.
He closed his eyes, basking in the sensation, letting the soothing, gentle touch massaging his forehead lull him to sleep. Tomorrow, if he was still in the jungle, he’d mention it to Jim. Tonight it really didn’t matter where he was, except that he was safe and cared for and the connection with his partner was there. Stronger. Brighter. Clearer.
He took a deep breath, letting his lungs expand, the air slowly released until he was asleep.